"If I can be an example of getting sober,
Then I can be an example of starting over."
- Macklemore
The artist above who I have quoted is referring to his dependency to alcohol that he has battled against for a large portion of his life. Although my struggle has not been with alcohol, those of you who have followed this blog will know, my struggle with pornography.
When I wrote "Death to Life" I had a strong feeling that my struggle with pornography was over. The Lord had freed me from that heavy burden and allowed me to move on. I received an overwhelming amount of support from friends and family and my ministry to men struggling through the same dependency grew dramatically. I received many blessings after posting "death to life" and I praise The Lord for that but today I must praise The Lord for the continued struggle that has come several months later because I can see that He has not finished with my own personal growth yet.
I was able to move into a period of roughly 4 months without pornography in my life starting this past September. It was truly a blessing. The weight that had always seemed to be there for the past 10+ years had seemed to disappear. My ministry grew and my spirits became more and more positive on a daily basis. I felt very close to God and very thankful for His gift of freedom that He had offered me. The difficult thing with receiving blessings that you don't deserve is that often times you don't grasp the depth, the bigness if you will, of the blessing. I had received something that I had prayed for for years and it was truly incredible but as time continued on I began to forget that God gave me the strength to overcome and it did not come by my own strength that I was able to abstain from engaging with pornography.
Over time I became more and more comfortable with this new found freedom which was found in Christ and I eventually became complacent. I became less diligent in pursuing God because the, seemingly, one thing that had always kept me at arms distance from God had finally faded away and I led myself to believe that everything was all good now. Well, that turned out to be the biggest lie possible. Christ wants nothing but good for me but the difficulty with being human is that our definition of good is not the same as God's definition of good. I felt very "good" about where is was at in life and my relationship with God but I was actually putting God further and further into the background of my life and believing that I had everything under control. Good for me meant not engaging with pornography, playing sports at a high level, influencing young men for Christ, etc whereas good for me as defined by God meant in all things looking to Him and receiving His love in all situations regardless of whether or not they were "good" by earthly standards. I was no longer leaning on God for strength to overcome because I believed that I had it under control. If there is one thing you take away from reading this - never let yourself believe that you have it all under control because you are a broken mess and you need God's support every minute of every day.
I had been a model of sexual purity for several months and had begun to give myself the credit, Christ allowed for me to step further away from Him and eventually I was humbled. Somewhere around middle to late December I relapsed; hard. I was away from home, routine, accountability partners, friends, familiarity and more importantly I was away from Christ because of pride and selfishness that I had allowed to seep into my life. Pornography and masturbation swept over me quickly and there I was back in the emotions that come with secrecy. I instantly felt shame. Because I had moved a few steps away from Christ before this moment I was ill-prepared to deal with the fallout. So ill-prepared that I repeated the cycle the following day. It was a rough couple of days, but they were necessary. I had said no to Christ and yes to self. I needed to be reminded that Christ was what my life was about and He allowed me to fall but was there every step of the way to help me back up.
Since that two day window in December I have abstained from engaging with pornography and, more importantly, I have grown closer to Christ then ever before. My understanding of my brokenness has been deepened like never before. I understand my deep need for Christ's healing power and love like never before and my hope is that my story will continue to be one that speaks of the love of Christ more then the life of Jason Keegstra. The longer i battle the more i realize the battle is not my own. It is Christ's. The amazing thing is that Christ has already defeated all of our sins! The battle is already won! And when I can live in that Gospel truth on a daily basis I can live free. Christ does not guarantee an easy journey but he does guarantee freedom and I pray that I would make the choice for Christ and freedom everyday because the choice of self and pride just brings death.
Please hear me when I say that I don't write these posts so that you can hear about me. I'm a mess. I write these posts so that you can hear and see the gospel message in a real way. A way that is here and now and tells of Good News that is ready to transform those who hear it as truth.
Readings that contributed to this post:
Job- 28
Proverbs- 1:20-33, 8:3-36
For His Kingdom.
Then I can be an example of starting over."
- Macklemore
The artist above who I have quoted is referring to his dependency to alcohol that he has battled against for a large portion of his life. Although my struggle has not been with alcohol, those of you who have followed this blog will know, my struggle with pornography.
When I wrote "Death to Life" I had a strong feeling that my struggle with pornography was over. The Lord had freed me from that heavy burden and allowed me to move on. I received an overwhelming amount of support from friends and family and my ministry to men struggling through the same dependency grew dramatically. I received many blessings after posting "death to life" and I praise The Lord for that but today I must praise The Lord for the continued struggle that has come several months later because I can see that He has not finished with my own personal growth yet.
I was able to move into a period of roughly 4 months without pornography in my life starting this past September. It was truly a blessing. The weight that had always seemed to be there for the past 10+ years had seemed to disappear. My ministry grew and my spirits became more and more positive on a daily basis. I felt very close to God and very thankful for His gift of freedom that He had offered me. The difficult thing with receiving blessings that you don't deserve is that often times you don't grasp the depth, the bigness if you will, of the blessing. I had received something that I had prayed for for years and it was truly incredible but as time continued on I began to forget that God gave me the strength to overcome and it did not come by my own strength that I was able to abstain from engaging with pornography.
Over time I became more and more comfortable with this new found freedom which was found in Christ and I eventually became complacent. I became less diligent in pursuing God because the, seemingly, one thing that had always kept me at arms distance from God had finally faded away and I led myself to believe that everything was all good now. Well, that turned out to be the biggest lie possible. Christ wants nothing but good for me but the difficulty with being human is that our definition of good is not the same as God's definition of good. I felt very "good" about where is was at in life and my relationship with God but I was actually putting God further and further into the background of my life and believing that I had everything under control. Good for me meant not engaging with pornography, playing sports at a high level, influencing young men for Christ, etc whereas good for me as defined by God meant in all things looking to Him and receiving His love in all situations regardless of whether or not they were "good" by earthly standards. I was no longer leaning on God for strength to overcome because I believed that I had it under control. If there is one thing you take away from reading this - never let yourself believe that you have it all under control because you are a broken mess and you need God's support every minute of every day.
I had been a model of sexual purity for several months and had begun to give myself the credit, Christ allowed for me to step further away from Him and eventually I was humbled. Somewhere around middle to late December I relapsed; hard. I was away from home, routine, accountability partners, friends, familiarity and more importantly I was away from Christ because of pride and selfishness that I had allowed to seep into my life. Pornography and masturbation swept over me quickly and there I was back in the emotions that come with secrecy. I instantly felt shame. Because I had moved a few steps away from Christ before this moment I was ill-prepared to deal with the fallout. So ill-prepared that I repeated the cycle the following day. It was a rough couple of days, but they were necessary. I had said no to Christ and yes to self. I needed to be reminded that Christ was what my life was about and He allowed me to fall but was there every step of the way to help me back up.
Since that two day window in December I have abstained from engaging with pornography and, more importantly, I have grown closer to Christ then ever before. My understanding of my brokenness has been deepened like never before. I understand my deep need for Christ's healing power and love like never before and my hope is that my story will continue to be one that speaks of the love of Christ more then the life of Jason Keegstra. The longer i battle the more i realize the battle is not my own. It is Christ's. The amazing thing is that Christ has already defeated all of our sins! The battle is already won! And when I can live in that Gospel truth on a daily basis I can live free. Christ does not guarantee an easy journey but he does guarantee freedom and I pray that I would make the choice for Christ and freedom everyday because the choice of self and pride just brings death.
Please hear me when I say that I don't write these posts so that you can hear about me. I'm a mess. I write these posts so that you can hear and see the gospel message in a real way. A way that is here and now and tells of Good News that is ready to transform those who hear it as truth.
Readings that contributed to this post:
Job- 28
Proverbs- 1:20-33, 8:3-36
For His Kingdom.
thanks for being vulnerable and allowing others to see your struggles. if we as the Church did this more often, we would be a force to be reckoned with. thanks for setting an admirable example for the rest of us, brother.
ReplyDelete